Onwards and upwards

After my realisation yesterday of what is holding me back in achieving my weight and exercise goals I am now determined to conquer my fears.  Went to running club yesterday which was as hard as ever and off to the gym this morning.  New me here I come!

I think I'm just afraid

I joined our local gym about 3 months ago and I started a special diet and gym program. Firstly to help improve my running (which I felt was a real struggle at the time) and secondly to lose some weight (aiming for 1.5 stone).  I stuck to the diet for about 8 weeks and lost just under a stone but then I started feeling tired a lot.  I was running 3 times a week and going to the gym 3 times a week and my legs were always sore and aching.  I started thinking that I wasn't eating enough carbs for my running (as the diet was a low carb one) so I changed the diet but since then I have not really had any success losing weight and in fact I have put on 3lbs.

The gym runs a 12 week challenge where people have personal training and a strict diet for 12 weeks.  They have been posting pictures of people's weight loss of facebook.  Every-one has lost loads of weight, two women have lost 50lbs each - in just 12 weeks! I must admit I am feeling really jealous of them.  I want to lose weight and look amazing too! I know they have worked really hard, going to the gym 5 days a week and I know they have been on a really strict diet as well but I have always felt that I could not do the same as them and I have finally worked out why.

Basically, I am afraid.  After having M.E. for nearly 5 years I hate feeling tired and certainly hate being ill.  I am afraid that if I do a strict diet and up my exercise that it will make me tired or (even worse) ill.  This is why I have not reached my weight loss goals, this is why I am so easily persuaded to miss a run at the weekend.  I am terrified at the thought of 'overdoing it'.  I do not believe for a moment that I would get M.E. again so I don't really understand why I am so scared, but there it is, the sad truth, the reality of what is holding me back from achieving my weight loss and fitness goals.

I am not sure of the best way forward at the moment.  Of course, I do not want to be ill but I need to recognise that a certain level of fatigue is natural if you are working your body hard.  I guess I need to build my confidence in this world that is still very new to me.

I'll let you know how I get on.

A lot of time is spent at work

As previously mentioned I originally intended to train as a solicitor.  However, my main opportunity at this went totally pear shaped and I had to leave the job.  In 2010 we decided to move back to Devon as that is where our extended family lives.  Unfortunately, that appears to have been career suicide as there are very few opportunities in Devon.

Since 2010 I have had 4 different jobs.  two with law firms and two other jobs.  None of these have worked out for various reasons.  I think I am quite picky regarding work.  As I lost 5 years out of my life through being ill I am determined to find a job I enjoy and am not content to work full-time in a job that makes me unhappy.  Life is short and I do not want to waste any more time being unhappy.

This means that I am currently out of work.  I have applied for a few jobs that are totally different to what I have done before.  One of which I am quite excited about and that is to work as a library assistant - sounds like a dream job to me! the problem is that if you have extensive experience in one area it is actually very difficult trying to get a totally different job. I have also applied to work for our local hospice which is most unlikely as they rejected me before without interview.

Finally, as a last effort I have sent my CV to 8 local solicitor firms to see if they have any opportunities.  As a result of this I now have an appointment to meet with one of the partners next week to discuss possible paralegal opportunities.  this sounds very promising and it is a very well known and reputable firm.  So fingers crossed - perhaps my dream job is on its way to me!! I hope so.

Exercise - to run or not to run (again)

Blimey, this exercise lark is so hard sometimes.  It's Sunday and according to my running/exercise schedule Sunday should be my long slow run day.  Particularly if I'm genuinely hoping to do the Torbay half marathon in 11 weeks time (which I think I am).  Last Sunday I failed to do a run at all as was legs were really sore from my first running club run on Tuesday and another run with them Thursday, gym work Wednesday and Zumba Friday evening.  I decided my legs needed a well deserved rest and hoped for better things in week two.

Well, this is week two.  Running club has gone much better than the previous week but yesterday I felt terribly sick and extremely tired and went back to bed in the afternoon.  I am feeling a lot better today but wonder if I should rest an extra day just in case.  Whilst I do consider myself to be well and truly recovered from ME/CFS I do like to look after myself and absolutely hate feeling tired or ill.  I do not know if I am overly cautious but I would not do anything to jeopardise my wonderful health.

So it looks like I will not run again today.  Which means re-jigging my training plan once more for the half marathon.  I don't have a great deal of confidence in my running otherwise I would be certain that 11 weeks is more than enough for me to build up to a half marathon as there are many training plans allowing for this and of course I am already capable of running a 10K comfortably.

Roll on week 3 and a definite appointment for a long slow run next Sunday (I hope!)

To exercise or not to exercise?!

Yesterday was a difficult day exercise wise.  My legs were sore from the gym the day before and I had a slight headache all day long.

I was due to go to the running club in the evening but spent most of the day arguing within myself as to whether or not to go.  I was worried that when I got there I wouldn't be up to it and it is really hard at the best of times.

However, I managed to force myself out of the door and ran with the club - 'miraculously' the headache disappeared altogether and my legs were fine while running! So that was a good result.

It just shows how pointless worrying is and how silly it is to analyse everything all the time.  So from now on unless I am really unwell I am going to ignore my fears and just go for it!

Looking for a job - hoping for something better

I have just sent off an application to work for our local hospice.  They are such an amazing place, I would love to work there.  My father-in-law was there for the last week of his life and they were wonderful to him and to us.  I doubt that I will even get an interview though as I have applied there before.  My problem is that all my previous experience and qualifications are law based so employers write me off.

The thing is I desperately want a job where I feel I am helping people and making a difference in their lives.  Many jobs in the legal sector are just commercial, about getting money.  Clearly every business needs to be profitable but I don't want my work to be at the expense of other people.

My last job was spent suing people who owed my company money.  I was badly paid, the people we were suing were generally massively in debt and the directors of the company were raking it in, driving porsches and going abroad on holiday every 6 weeks.  It felt so wrong I had to leave.  I was speaking to people every day whose lives were falling apart and I was their worst nightmare.  My name was a swearword to them.

I so want a job where I am helping people but I am torn.  Can I get this in the legal sector or do I need to look elsewhere? If I look elsewhere, will any-one employ me?

Satisfying work - or the lack of

When I was a child I was never really sure of what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I thought about being a surgeon or working with horses and a hundred other things.  I always felt jealous of people who simply knew what job they wanted, they trained for it and they became it.  Like my mum.  As a child she wanted to be a teacher, when she grew up she still wanted to be a teacher and when the time came she trained and became and loved being a teacher.

I, however, have generally gone with whatever seemed good at the time.  I now find myself with a law degree and a post graduate diploma in legal practice with work experience in supermarkets, nursing homes, hotels, call centres and several law firms.

I am also currently out of work.

I have found it nearly impossible to find work that I enjoy.  I enjoyed my work in the law firm in the Midlands but have never been able to replicate that.  I guess moving to Devon largely put paid to my legal career!

I also have a sense that I would like to do something different with my life, something that helps make a difference in other people's lives.  I want my life and my work to count for something.  I don't know if I can do that with my law qualifications and experience or if I need to try and think outside the box.

Have any of you found a job you love or are you stuck in a job that you wish you could get out of?